Reasons Change is Hard & What to Do About it

When discussing the difficulty of change with clients, I often share a quote: “People will choose a familiar hell over a peaceful heaven”.” I wish I could say that I read this in a clinical book, but like many, I first encountered it on social media. Attempts to track down the original author were fruitless and yielded conflicting answers. Regardless, this saying resonates with many clients and helps explain how our bodies and nervous systems operate. Let’s explore the reason behind this statement.

Factors Contributing to Resistance

Our autonomic nervous system operates as the control centre for many of our body’s automatic functions, including our stress response and emotional regulation. Its primary goal is to keep us safe, relying on predictability, which it equates with safety. Consequently, our nervous system seeks predictability in our environments. Even in a distressing and sub-optimal environment, if this is what our nervous system is used to, it knows how to navigate it safely. In contrast, when we attempt to change something in our lives- despite logically recognizing the potential benefits- putting ourselves into new situations will not offer that same predictability and comfort. While this mechanism is invaluable in threatening situations, it can hinder personal growth.

The Familiar Hell

The “familiar hell” is where you might currently find yourself. This could be feeling stuck in a job you despise, in a relationship that no longer serves you, or in an environment that exacerbates your suffering. You might recognize that you’re struggling yet still feel stuck or powerless to change the status quo.

Logically, you’re aware that something must change and may even have a general idea of what needs to be done. Yet, instead of taking actionable steps, you find yourself stuck in the contemplation phase, reading articles on how to change. Change is scary, and you may lack a clear picture of what that change might feel or look like. However, we learn by experiencing, not intellectualizing.

The Unfamiliar Heaven

The “unfamiliar heaven” symbolizes the potential for positive change and growth—the possibilities that lie on the other side of change. It embodies the hopeful response to the question, “What if I make a change, and it will all work out?”

Even when we understand logically that change could benefit us, it can still feel threatening because of the unknowns involved. And, if you’re already feeling vulnerable or unstable in your life, making necessary changes can feel next to impossible. The paradox is that it is often when you feel the most uncomfortable that it is time to make a change. So, how can we best support ourselves in overcoming the obstacles to making necessary changes?

Take a Stepped Approach

Inner conflict, motivation challenges, and resistance are some barriers people face when facing change. Different aspects of us have unique intentions and motivations; some may overlap, while others conflict. For example, there may be a part of you motivated to change (like committing to a consistent workout routine), while other fearful, resistant parts cling to the status quo, creating reasons to avoid change (deciding instead to forego the gym).

Though it can feel urgent to implement changes all at once, it’s more effective to take small, manageable steps toward our goals. This approach mirrors exposure whereby we gradually confront our fears. We want to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zone, but not so far that we become overwhelmed and unable to learn that our experiences are safe and manageable. True learning occurs when our logical and emotional brains are “online” and communicating effectively so that we can process that although the situation may activate our stress response, it does not make it dangerous.

Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome

While goals give us a sense of direction, being heavily outcome-focused can be disadvantageous. Life is filled with factors beyond our control, and the outcome of our efforts is no different.

Consider this scenario: you sign up for a marathon to complete it. You take all the necessary steps to prepare, including training and optimizing your physical health. However, on the morning of your race, you slip and sprain your ankle, preventing you from running. If you only focus on the outcome, you’ll likely feel disappointed and may even view your training as a waste of time. This disappointment could discourage future efforts. Alternatively, while feeling disappointed- an entirely valid emotion- you might focus on the process and reflect on everything you did to prepare for the race. Focusing on the process may elicit feelings of pride and remind you of the reasons you signed up in the first place.

The key takeaway is to live your life in alignment with your values- what truly matters to you. Being conscious of this can help you feel more fulfilled and motivated overall.

Practice Radical Acceptance & Self-Compassion

While easier said than done, it’s important to practice accepting where you are in this moment rather than getting bogged down, focusing on where you’d like to be and judging yourself for not being there yet. By accepting what is rather than what you wish it to be, you give up the internal power struggle that many face. Suppose accepting the situation feels like too much, then we start small. Work on accepting the current weather or accepting when experiencing minor inconveniences throughout the day. Gradually, you can work your way up to applying acceptance to more distressing situations.

Be kind to yourself during times of distress. Acknowledge your suffering and treat those feelings with the same tenderness and care you would show a loved one. Try to acknowledge these feelings without judgment. If you find it difficult, then practice acceptance that this is where you are today. Acceptance is not a passive act, nor does it mean you resign yourself to your current reality and take no action. Instead, it allows you to see things as they are and take actionable steps based on the reality of your situation. Need Ideas for Where to Begin? Check out the handout linked below:

Practicing Radical Acceptance Worksheet

Engage in Visualization Exercises

Research has shown that visualizing yourself facing your fears and imagining a positive outcome can help you navigate challenging situations more easily. Mentally rehearsing an experience can help you become more comfortable with it, as the scenario may start to feel familiar.

Identify New Possibilities and Identities

How we perceive ourselves can significantly influence our actions. If we want to change our habits and lifestyle, we must also view ourselves as someone who aligns with those values. Begin by imagining a world in which you achieve your goals. Visualize the type of person you would become if that were to happen. For example, someone focused on their health and well-being would not necessarily align with seeing themselves as cigarette smokers or living a largely sedentary life.

Strengthening the Mind-Body Connection: Attune to Your Internal Experiences

We often have a rich inner world that provides cues about our experiences and situations. We may miss valuable information that can inform our decisions if we are not attuned to this internal landscape. Practice tuning into your body non-judgementally and with curiosity to understand your “internal weather pattern.” Using an observer mind, ask yourself what thoughts, feelings and sensations are coming up and ask yourself how you know.

The more attuned you are to your body, the better you can manage the experience. Your feelings or moods will affect how you perceive situations. For instance, if you are feeling anxious, fearful, or angry, you may perceive a situation as more threatening than it is. However, if you are in a calm state, you may be more capable of viewing things more clearly.

To practice, set aside time each day to notice your internal experience. If you struggle to identify what your physiological sensations mean, consider reading “5 Steps to Feeling Your Feelings.”

Seek Support

Change is challenging, and it’s often difficult to do it alone. Make sure to lean on others to support you throughout the journey. If you find it hard to implement any of the strategies mentioned above, a therapist like myself can be a helpful resource.