If you describe yourself as a perfectionist, you likely set high standards, engage in overly critical self-evaluation, and recognize the gap between your current reality and the ideal you aspire to. At first glance, perfectionism may seem advantageous; it can motivate us to achieve great things and provide a competitive edge. However, it can also trap us in a cycle of relentless striving, self-criticism, and burnout, leaving us feeling depleted rather than fulfilled.

While society often encourages perfectionistic tendencies—especially in school-aged children—the constant pursuit of an ever-moving standard of success can become exhausting. The key to harnessing perfectionism effectively lies in distinguishing its helpful traits from the harmful ones. By understanding how perfectionism influences your mindset and behaviours, you can cultivate self-awareness and use it in ways that support rather than hinder your well-being.

For many of us, the pursuit of high standards can be both a source of pride and a source of frustration. In certain contexts, it can drive us towards remarkable achievements; in others, it can create suffering. According to psychologist Dawn Starley, perfectionism develops through a mix of genetics, upbringing, personality, and life experiences. Researchers have categorized perfectionism into three types:

• Self-Oriented Perfectionism: Setting excessively high personal standards.

• Other-Oriented Perfectionism: Expecting perfection from others.

• Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: Feeling pressure to meet others’ expectations.

These categories focus on the beliefs and behaviours associated with perfectionism (Curran and Thomas, 2021). Over the past 30 years, the number of people exhibiting perfectionist traits has reportedly increased, especially in the case of socially prescribed perfectionism, which has seen a 33% rise during the study period. This trend is not surprising given the growing pressures to succeed, an emphasis on competition and individualism, and cultural expectations that encourage the belief that perfection is necessary for acceptance.

Origins of Perfectionism

When we think of perfectionism, the image that often comes to mind is that of a high achiever- someone who has accomplished significant milestones both personally and professionally. They may run marathons, hold advanced degrees, enjoy vibrant social lives, and position themselves for economic success. In this sense, perfectionism can drive success in areas that require hard work. These individuals tend to be focused on their goals and put in the effort necessary to achieve them, which strongly correlates with greater personal satisfaction overall. Focusing on the ideal of what they want to achieve can inspire rather than hinder their progress and growth.

Traits of Helpful Perfectionism

Behind closed doors and in therapeutic settings, a more distressing and often overlooked side of perfectionism emerges. At its core, perfectionism is more than just having high standards—it can be deeply intertwined with shame, the fear of failure, rejection, or not being “enough.” When perfectionism is adaptive, it helps people excel. But when it becomes harmful, it fuels a cycle of avoidance, paralysis, and self-doubt, preventing individuals from making decisions and moving forward in life.

Many perfectionists experience an internal struggle between striving for excellence and feeling incapable or unworthy when they fall short. They tend to equate self-worth with achievement, making failure feel not just disappointing, but deeply shameful. This shame discourages them from taking risks, expressing vulnerability, or even acknowledging their own successes. Over time, it reinforces self-judgment, overthinking, and avoidance, making even simple decisions feel overwhelming.

Signs That Perfectionism Is Rooted in Shame

• Feeling anxious or guilty when making mistakes.

• Avoiding decisions out of fear of being “wrong” or judged—preferring inaction over imperfection.

• Struggling to take risks due to fear of failure and humiliation, choosing to stay in a comfort zone.

• Harsh inner criticism that dismisses achievements and magnifies flaws—believing mistakes define personal worth rather than serve as growth opportunities.

Many perfectionists feel intense anxiety over making the “right” choice—whether selecting a career path, saying the right words, or making an important life decision. This decision paralysis reinforces self-doubt, leading to procrastination and avoidance rather than forward movement.

Beyond decision-making struggles, perfectionism contributes to suffering through rigid and inflexible standards—an inability to pivot when reality does not align with ideals. People may fixate on past mistakes and perceived failures, allowing them to overshadow accomplishments. When goals are achieved, there’s often an immediate shift to the next challenge, preventing individuals from embracing and celebrating success. This relentless striving can lead to stress, overwhelm, and chronic dissatisfaction.

Thinking Patterns Associated with Harmful Perfectionism

Harmful perfectionism often includes:

• Rumination—obsessively replaying past failures.

• Black-and-white thinking—seeing success and failure as absolutes.

• Unrelenting inner criticism—an inability to acknowledge personal progress.

• A belief of "not being good enough"—masked by excessive drive for excellence.

In therapeutic spaces, perfectionism can manifest as an effort to engage in therapy “perfectly.” While perfectionist traits may help individuals function in daily life—and may even be the reason they seek therapy—they can also hinder true healing. Healing is not linear, nor does it require “fixing” a person. The sense of brokenness perfectionists often feel is rooted in shame—the belief that they must become more whole or healed through relentless self-improvement. However, personal growth is not about bullying oneself into perfection but rather learning to embrace imperfections and understand how past adaptations may have once served a purpose.

To foster lasting change, individuals must accept and see themselves as they are, embracing both their perceived flaws and uncomfortable emotions rather than rejecting them.

Traits of Harmful Perfectionism

Perfectionism, when unchecked, can manifest in negative ways. Harmful perfectionism often overlooks successes and creates a cycle of pressure and dissatisfaction. In contrast, helpful perfectionism is associated with motivation, achievement, and overall life satisfaction. It enables you to stay focused on your goals while also adapting to obstacles with flexibility. When learning to manage perfectionism in a way that supports your success and well-being, consider the following questions

• Is your mindset flexible or rigid?

• Does it focus on self-growth or self-punishment?

• Are you able to celebrate your achievements?

• Can you acknowledge your failures and learn from them?

Perfectionism doesn’t have to hold you back—it can fuel progress when approached with balance. Some ways to shift toward a healthier mindset include:

• Reframing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than proof of inadequacy.

• Focusing on progress, not perfection—acknowledging wins, no matter how small.

• Celebrating your achievements and embracing your imperfections

• Making decisions with flexibility—perfection isn’t necessary for success.

• Adopting a "good enough" mindset to reduce unrealistic expectations

• Incorporate balanced thinking to reduce harmful tendencies.

• Practicing self-compassion—replacing criticism with kindness

• Seeking support—therapy or mentorship can help break cycles of avoidance and shame.

Moving from Self-Punishment to Self-Compassion

Healing from shame-driven perfectionism involves shifting from self-punishment to self-compassion. Many perfectionists use self-criticism as motivation, hoping to prevent future mistakes. However, while the intent may be to improve performance, it often leads to anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion. Learning to be kind to yourself is key to fostering lasting growth.

Differentiating Between Helpful & Harmful Perfectionism

Perfectionism isn’t inherently bad—it’s how you use it that matters. When managed well, perfectionism can drive success and resilience. But when fueled by shame, it can lead to decision paralysis, self-doubt, and chronic dissatisfaction.

Instead of fearing mistakes, focus on progress over perfection. Decisions don’t have to be flawless—they just have to move you forward. By understanding how perfectionism operates within you, you can shift toward growth, balance, and self-acceptance, allowing your high standards to work for you, rather than against you.

Sources:

1. American Psychological Association. (2024, October). The antidote to achievement culture. APA Monitor. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/10/antidote-achievement-culture

2. Flett, G. L., Nepon, T., & Hewitt, P. L. (2024). Perfectionism, rumination, and self-compassion: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 150(2), 1-25. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-bul0000138.pdf

3. Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2018). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Educational Psychology, 38(6), 1-22. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02667363.2018.1539949
   

Final Thoughts