Boundaries have become a popular topic online, especially within wellness and self-help spaces. At their best, boundaries allow us to set expectations for ourselves and others, ensuring we have agency and autonomy both from and within relationships. They can strengthen trust, repair disconnection, and enhance communication. But boundaries can also be misunderstood or even misused as a way to control others or justify inflexible behaviour.

You don’t have to look far beyond our cultural zeitgeist to see how “therapy speak” around boundaries can be weaponized. In 2023, for example, actor Jonah Hill came under scrutiny after his ex-girlfriend released text messages in which he appeared to use boundary language as a way to control her behaviour under the guise of self-care. This incident sparked an important public conversation: when do boundaries serve well-being, and when do they become tools of manipulation?

As therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab explains in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, boundaries are “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.” They create clarity around what’s acceptable to you and where your limits lie. When practiced with intention, boundaries promote emotional safety and mutual respect. The difficulty often lies not in understanding what boundaries are, but in learning how to set them effectively without confusing them with demands or attempts to control others.

Here is the difference:

Healthy boundary: "I won't continue this conversation if you raise your voice"

Controlling statement: "You're not allowed to talk to me that way"

True boundaries are about your own actions, not about telling others what they can or can't do.

Think of your boundaries as a house. You decide who to invite in, which doors or windows to open or close, and how wide to leave them. Some people may be welcome in every room; others might be invited only into the living room or porch. Healthy boundaries are flexible and adapt over time, with trust and changing circumstances. And when mutual respect already exists, you may not even need to articulate them; they’re naturally honoured through understanding and care.

Boundaries are like a House

Boundaries come in many forms. Here are six key types to consider:

Physical Boundaries: Personal space, comfort with touch, privacy.

Sexual Boundaries: Consent, preferences, and safety.

Intellectual Boundaries: Respect for differing ideas and beliefs.

Emotional Boundaries: How much you share and how you handle others’ emotions.

Material Boundaries: Limits around sharing money or possessions.

Time Boundaries: How you manage your schedule and prioritize commitments.

Take a moment to think about how you're feeling in each domain and whether any boundaries need to be created or enforced. Noticing where you feel most drained or resentful can help you identify which boundary type needs attention.

Boundary Style & Types

Everyone falls somewhere on the boundary spectrum:

Porous: You say yes easily, struggle to say no, and absorb others’ emotions. Your hypothetical windows and doors are often unlocked with people freely coming in and out of your "home".

Rigid: You keep everything locked up and find it hard to trust or open up.

Healthy: You can open or close doors as needed, balancing openness with self-protection.

Becoming aware of your style helps you adjust. If you’re too porous, practice saying no. If you’re too rigid, practice letting safe people in. The primary goal is to work towards enforcing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Knowing the boundaries you need is one thing. Enforcing them, especially with those close to you, is another. Setting a new boundary can change the dynamic of a relationship, and not everyone will be receptive to that change.

Boundary setting can be hard, and guilt may follow, especially if you're used to putting other people first. When it's about communicating a boundary to another, it's common to be fearful or apprehensive, given that we cannot control the other person's reaction. Before initiating a conversation, be clear on the motivation behind boundary setting and be prepared to respond to potential backlash. And, if guilt arises, ask yourself, "What is it that I'm doing that's so wrong?". As long as you communicated it in a way that was respectful to both yourself and the other person and that the boundary was not an attempt to control, chances are you're simply caring for yourself more healthily.

Imagine a friend who regularly calls late at night to vent. You care about them but the timing and the frequency leaves you drained and resentful. You might say:

"I really want to be there for you, but I need to keep my evening to rest. Let's plan to talk tomorrow instead."

Communicating your boundaries is not about rejection; in fact, it is in service of the relationship and your own self-respect.

The Challenge of Enforcing Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries isn't selfish, nor are they walls you create to keep people out. Instead, consider them to be bridges that can be drawn up or down depending on your needs. They allow closeness without self-abandonment. They make it possible to show up in relationships from a place of authenticity, not obligation.

When people already respect your autonomy, boundaries often exist quietly. With others, they may need to be named, reinforced, and adjusted over time.

This is your invitation to take stock of your life, including your relationships, of the different boundary types and styles and determine what's working, and what needs to change.

Takeaways